1. The truth
about spots
Tell your daughter that spots or blackheads are not caused
by these things: greasy food; not exfoliating; not washing enough or properly;
not drinking enough water; germs on the skin; chocolate; bad karma.
Spots and blackheads are caused by blockages caused by
sebum, which you often have much more of when you're a teenager, because of
certain hormone misbehavior. Sebum blocks the pores from underneath, and then
bacteria or inflammation causes the spot.
Good spot creams take a few weeks to work because they
stop new ones from forming, so she has to be patient. She should ask her doctor
or pharmacist about which ones might work for her.
2. Body
changes are natural
Don't say to your daughter: "you're getting
fat", "that's a worry, you've gone up a size", or "you
can't fit into that uniform any more". She is supposed to be growing and
going up sizes in her teenage years - her skeleton doubles in size during these
years, for a start.
Always say clothes are too small - don't make it seem that
she is too big. Frame any comment about bodies in terms of health and what she
can do with her body (run, play sport, dance, walk up stairs without puffing.)
Tell her sizes are all mixed up depending on the brand. If you're a woman,
explain that in your wardrobe you have different label sizes on your clothes
but they all fit you.
Talk with your girl about things she can say when somebody
comments on her body shape and size, or is mean and insulting to her. Responses
could include: "Go away, you're boring me"; "I'm the right shape
for me"; "Mind your own body image"; "Oh, get a grip";
"Who made you the Body Police?"; "Don't worry about me changing
my size - can you change your attitude?"
Bullies, and even siblings and other relatives, will often
use mean words like "fat" or draw attention to new breasts and other
changes. Girls who filled in the survey for my book, Girl Stuff, told me they
could remember, even years later, the comment that set them on the road to an
eating disorder.
3. Alcohol
should be taken seriously
New research shows that girls who are given alcohol before
the age of 18 by their parents are more likely to develop a drinking problem.
Explain to her that alcohol has a stronger effect on the teenage brain because
her brain is still forming properly. This doesn't make her more
"stupid" than adults (after all, many grown-ups with
"finished" brains make bad decisions); it just means she needs to be
smarter than the people who don't realise that their binge drinking could lead
to embarrassment and, in severe cases, brain damage.
So many girls told me (even though I didn't even ask this
question) that they regretted their first sexual experience because it happened
when they were drunk and out of control, and instead of being a moving experience
they chose to have, it was a horrible experience that they can't even remember
properly. If you possibly can, make sure you pick up your daughter from parties
and other events so you can assess her state. Lots of girls sleep at their
friends' place where the supervision may not be the same as at home.
4. Talk
openly about family problems
If you're in a family that is separating, it can be a
turbulent time in which a teenager's questions and feelings are accidentally
overlooked. I consulted a few experts about the ways families can keep up
communication, and there are also some useful websites. Teens can try sites
such as divorceaid.co.uk(click
on teens) and itsnotyourfault.org. Parents can get help
from caffcass.gov.uk (the
Children and Family Court Advisory Support Service).
5. It's OK to
say no to sex
Have a talk with your daughter that allows the possibility
that she has gone further than she wanted to in terms of sexual experience.
Reassure her that she can always "go backwards". There are lots of
things she can do and say to make herself feel better about this. Make her understand
that she still gets to say no to everything she wants to even though she may
have said yes in the past, or have been pressured into something.
Be aware that if your teenager is going out with an older
partner, the older he is, the more likely he will want sex, expect sex, and
even have picked up a sexually transmitted infection. Obviously you don't want
to paint him as a sex-crazed predator, as this may make her more protective of
him. Some parents will immediately forbid contact, while others will urge the
use of condoms.
6. There's
nothing wrong with body hair
Even though your daughter will hear a lot about needing to
take off all her body hair (in magazines, on websites and from friends), you
can help counter this. Explain that it's partly because companies that sell
hair removal products spend millions of pounds on advertisements and influence
magazine and website editors to say it's a good idea. One product in the USA is
aimed at 10- to 13-year-olds.
You can let her know that even though people talk about
it, only a minority of girls and women remove all their pubic hair. Some of the
possible problems she can expect to get if she does remove her pubic hair
include: pain from waxing; cuts from shaving; sore rashes and other skin
conditions; uncomfortable itching as it grows back; ingrown hairs; spending too
much money as she can't really do it herself in such an awkward place; the
embarrassment of a stranger looking at her private parts up close; and a weird
bald look that makes her seem like a little girl.
7. Helping
others will help you
One of the great things about girls is they're often keen
to do charity or other community work. See if there's an organisation that you
can join together, or one that she can be involved in with her friends. This could
be environmental or political, or something to work towards as a gap year later
on. It's a cliché but it's true: busy people are less likely to get into
trouble. It also means there's something you can praise her for, which she will
really appreciate.
8. Life
doesn't always go to plan
Make sure your daughter knows that you understand the
occasional necessity for a Plan B, C, or even further down the alphabet. If she
doesn't pass the exam, or doesn't make the team, help her with back-up ideas
that makes life seem like a series of choices rather than just a matter of
"making it" or "failing". Tell her life is all about
choices and changes.
9. There are
smart ways to stay safe
When you talk to her about safety - on the computer, on
the street, on public transport or out and about at parties or clubs - frame it
in a way that praises her for being smart enough to outwit potential dangers
and problems. Don't just give her a set of rules. Role play will help her know
what to say or do in real situations.
Sometimes girls will put themselves in danger rather than
risk embarrassment - offer to be the "bad guy", and have a code. For
example, if she rings you while with a group of friends and says don't be mad,
she'll feed the cat when she gets home, it secretly means she needs you to come
and get her straight away. You can be the "mean parent" who insists
it was your idea, and she gets to save face.
10. How to
manage money
Talk to her about the tricks that advertisers and shops
use to pretend she's getting a bargain or must have an "essential
item". When she's old enough, show her the household budget so she knows
how much it can cost for food, rent and so on. She'll understand why you keep
banging on about budgeting.
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